


leave me in the dark

by iridiumring92



Series: leave the light on [2]
Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, M/M, Mentioned Kondou Isami, Pining, saitou and chizuru talking about emotions oof, saitou having feelings, souji finds out about hijisai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 19:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridiumring92/pseuds/iridiumring92
Summary: There is a small part of Saitou that never ceases to hope.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshizou/Saitou Hajime (Hakuouki)
Series: leave the light on [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1509611
Kudos: 22





	leave me in the dark

“Hajime-kun.”

He’s walking through the courtyard when he hears Okita’s voice call after him, and he stops, turns. Okita is leaning against a tree, sprawled out against the grass. Saitou thinks that if Hijikata saw him, he’d probably give him shit for not doing anything productive. He wonders what brought Okita out here, and what he wants to talk to Saitou about.

“What, Souji?” Saitou asks. He’s just finished patrol, and he’s exhausted already. He needs to go take a nap, or bathe, or something that will relax him. Last night definitely didn’t do his energy levels any favors. 

“So harsh,” Okita says, smirking and shaking his head. “I wanna ask you something.” 

Saitou stops in front of him, one hand on his hip, the other on the hilt of his sword. “So ask.” 

“I saw you coming from Hijikata-san’s quarters this morning,” Okita says. “Is he all right? Is his room part of your usual patrol now?” 

Saitou levels a look at him. Worrying about Hijikata’s well-being isn’t exactly Okita’s MO. “What are you saying?”

“Did you stay there last night?” Okita asks. He’s trying to keep the grin off his face. Saitou isn’t sure he should tell him anything with a look like that. He’s probably planning to spread the information around, or use it against Saitou. “Hajime-kun, c’mon.” 

“What reason would I have to stay the night there? Hijikata-fukuchou is fine.” Saitou stares him down. He’s not going to give Okita reason to do this to him. Plus he’s tired and not really in the mood for a fight. He needs to shut this down before it even starts. 

“Well, if you slept with him . . .” Okita says. 

“What—” Saitou bursts out, something hot and sharp flaring in his chest. Rage, maybe. He doesn’t care enough to identify it. “Souji, where are you getting these ideas? Why were you even up early enough for patrol?” 

Okita closes his eyes for a moment. “Hajime-kun, if you hadn’t heard, Hijikata-san’s on my case because I’m supposedly sick and I won’t fucking heal up. He wants me to stay in bed all the time, so I pretty much just sleep all day and then wander around awake at strange hours of the night.” He opens his eyes again, looks at Saitou. “So I happened to be up before dawn this morning.” 

Saitou hesitates. 

Okita says his name again, voice low. “We’re alone. I wouldn’t ask you this in front of a whole bunch of the other soldiers. I’m asking you because—” 

“Yes.” 

Okita’s eyes widen a little. “Yes what?” he asks, his voice almost a whisper. 

“I slept with Hijikata-san.” At first Saitou can’t believe the words are coming out of his mouth, but afterward, he feels some kind of relief at saying the words aloud. Perhaps he can trust Okita with this information. And perhaps if he had chosen anyone to trust with this information, it shouldn’t have been Okita. He clenches his jaw, waiting for Okita’s expression to shift. From one of surprise to one of revulsion—or anything, really. 

But, typical of Okita, he smirks. “Wow. If only you and Hijikata-san could have kids. They’d be the fiercest warriors in the country.” 

Saitou feels himself blushing, and he glances away, embarrassed. He doesn’t know what to say in response. 

“I’m kidding. But seriously. The two of you . . .” He trails off. “Well. Anyway. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. I was just . . . more than a little curious, since I saw you leaving his room this morning. . . . Was he good?” 

“Good?” Saitou asks before he realizes what Okita means. “Oh—I mean, of course he was. Not that it’s any of your business.” He only half-means the last part, and just to see if it’ll get Okita flustered, he continues. “I’d do it again if he asked.” 

But Okita doesn’t get flustered—of course he doesn’t. He grins. “You would? But is that because you actually thought he was good, or because he’s your commander?” 

_ Both _, Saitou thinks. He shrugs one shoulder, projecting indifference, and says the word aloud.

“Oh? Hajime-kun, was it that kind of thing?” Okita asks, one of his eyebrows quirking up. “Do you whisper _ fukuchou _ in his ear? Does he give you orders?”

“No.” Saitou keeps his voice low. “When I’m with him, he’s . . . just Hijikata-san.”

“Huh,” Okita muses. “Well, good for you, I guess, Hajime-kun. Must be nice not having to go all the way to Shimabara.”

Saitou snorts. “As if the rest of you don’t mind going to Shimabara.”

“Hey, don’t look at me. It’s Nagakura who’s always leading those outings.”

They sit in silence for several moments, and Saitou hears a small chorus of distant voices. He wonders if the conversation is over. If he should just move on, be alone for a while. But before he can, Okita speaks again.

“Do you have feelings for . . . you know,” he says, tipping his head a little to one side. As if they’re talking about a woman Saitou’s encountered. If anyone walked by now, they wouldn’t know that Okita and Saitou were just talking about Hijikata. Okay. So at least Okita doesn’t have any intention of giving his secrets away at the moment.

But the question . . . When Saitou really considers it, he doesn’t know the answer, which frightens him a little. _ Does _he have feelings for Hijikata? He grits his teeth, thinking of the way his heart had wrenched when he thought of leaving this morning and abandoning everything that had happened between them.

“I think it’s better that I answer no to that,” Saitou says.

“Of course it’s _ better _,” Okita says. “It’s always better to say no to feelings. Even I know that.”

“You’re the Shinsengumi’s Sword,” Saitou murmurs. “Feelings must be dispensable for you.”

Okita tilts his head again. “I think I hear your answer in that,” he says, and Saitou blushes.

Harada, Nagakura, and Toudou drop by, asking if they want to go out tonight. Okita sighs and tells them he shouldn’t, since he’s still got that persistent cough and doesn’t want to get his ass kicked by Hijikata and Kondou. Saitou sees an opportunity to be with Hijikata and politely declines, saying he should get some sleep.

“You’re missin’ out,” Nagakura teases as they move on. Toudou looks the slightest bit embarrassed. Okita grins at them.

Later, there’s dinner for the rest of the Shinsengumi soldiers, prepared mostly by Yukimura, Saitou gathers. He thanks her as he takes a bowl of food, casting a smile in her direction. Hopes that she knows she’s appreciated.

And he tries to catch Hijikata’s eye.

Hijikata won’t look at him. Won’t acknowledge him. Each time Saitou thinks it must be an accident, only to try and meet Hijikata’s eyes again and find them forcefully averted.

_ Oh. _

He thinks of that night again. Of Hijikata saying, _ Is it that you don’t want either of us to develop feelings? _ And then, later, _ We can talk in the morning. Get some rest. _Had he been preparing himself to push Saitou away?

Saitou steels himself. He refuses to let any emotion show on his face. Maybe Hijikata feels the need for them to be apart during the day or when other members of the Shinsengumi are around, but that doesn’t have to mean his chances for tonight are dashed. He eats with the others, refusing to sneak glances at Hijikata. Maybe after the meal is over.

He takes a walk around the compound afterward, looking for Hijikata, but he’s already vanished. Saitou, a little nervous, finally walks toward his room, hoping he isn’t spotted by anyone else on the way there.

He makes his way there in silence, but when he calls Hijikata’s name at the door, there’s no answer.

“Hijikata-san . . . ?”

A thousand thoughts race through Saitou’s mind. Maybe he’s not here. Maybe he’s here but busy, or asleep, or avoiding Saitou, or maybe something’s happened—

“Hijikata-san?”

His voice is barely above a whisper this time, shaking. Somehow he’d refused to believe that Hijikata would do this to him, abandon him so completely. He takes a deep breath, clenching his fists and closing his eyes a second longer than he needs to. After that, he turns his back on Hijikata’s room, ears still straining futilely for the sound of Hijikata’s voice behind him.

He finds Yukimura sitting outside, looking up at the sky. Either she’s finished doing chores or she’s taking a break, but either way, Saitou is glad to see her resting. He walks over to her.

“Mind if I sit?” he asks.

“Oh! No, not at all.” She gestures to the ground next to her. Saitou sits.

The sky really is beautiful tonight, descending into a lovely palette of colors while the clouds pass by and reflect different shades overhead. Had Saitou not been burdened by any of his thoughts, he might have wanted to just sit here and enjoy the view, like she had decided to.

“Saitou, are you doing all right?” she asks, glancing sideways at him. “You seem a little . . . well. I don’t know. Different.”

“Yukimura-kun . . .” he begins. Can he explain what he’s feeling without actually revealing it? “What do you think about . . .” He pauses. “What if you think that you have feelings for someone, if you think they might’ve reciprocated those feelings at one time, but now they’re being cold to you without having said anything?”

Yukimura doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Saitou, are you . . . asking me for love advice?” she asks. “Are you sure I’m the one you want to ask? I live with the Shinsengumi, and I’ve never had a relationship with any of them—I mean, they all think I’m a boy. . . .”

“It doesn’t matter,” Saitou says softly. “I’m just asking for an outside opinion. But of course, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“Well . . .” Yukimura hesitates. “I think maybe it’s that they need to figure some things out on their own. It’s not necessarily anything you did. Does that make sense?”

Saitou swallows hard. “Yes,” he says at last. “Yes. It makes a lot of sense.”

The two of them sit in silence together until the last light disappears. Saitou is grateful for Yukimura’s company, even though they don’t speak. He lets her words sink in until he gets back to his room, lies on his futon, and falls into sleep, alone.

* * *

He spends the days after that floating in a strange sea of longing. It makes the time pass by in a sort of haze.

He still thinks of that morning, when he woke up to unfamiliar warmth at his back. The night before had been unbearably hot, but the air had cooled come morning, and the subtle warmth surrounding him was comfortable. He shifted to feel bare skin against his own, and he remembered the night before, Hijikata’s hands, his mouth, his skin. All of it sent a sort of shiver, a shock through him.

Hijikata’s arm was still around his waist, his breath still soft on Saitou’s neck. Saitou didn’t want to leave. But he had to, and as he slipped away from Hijikata to pull on his clothes, Hijikata shifted a little in his sleep, but didn’t stir awake.

Now he thinks of it each time he surfaces from sleep. He wants Hijikata at his side in the early mornings. The late nights, too, but somehow what he misses most is the morning.

Eventually he grows used to Hijikata’s cold treatment of him. He’s not unfriendly, not any stricter than he used to be, but he doesn’t deal in anything but business with Saitou. There’s no trace of what he showed him on that one night, no reminder that it happened. Saitou surmises that he must have decided he wants to forget what they did that night. He can’t reasonably blame Hijikata for it.

That night becomes a chorus in the background of Saitou’s thoughts. He thinks of it constantly, but he doesn’t let it take over. This is what he has to keep. He’ll lock it away for the rest of time.

Still, there is a small part of him that never ceases to hope.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr that i'll post to eventually... [@heart-held-captive](http://heart-held-captive.tumblr.com) XD


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